Episode Twelve: Will You Be My Brutus Tonight?

By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower

We were down on the Rupert-free show last week, but we’re sure everything will be much, much better from now on. We’ve come to grips with the changes, and – oh my God! Close-up of Lill to start the show! We just ate here!

It’s the morning after, and Sandra and Christa are regretting some decisions they have made. Hey, we’ve all been there. The strategists are discussing the prior night’s decision to shiv Tijuana rather than Burton. They have come to realize that the deal they accepted with Jon – a trip to the Final Four – was one they would have had anyway had they kept their original agreement with Tijuana and Darrah. The women are coming to terms with the fact that eliminating the non-threatening Tijuana as opposed to the physically dominant Burton was a choke.

Too late, Christa has done the math and realized that they’re another member short in the sisterhood, while the Jon/Burton/Lill alliance remains strong. Now, they need to get the swing vote of the Southern Belle if they want to advance any further. We appreciate the reason that Sandra might have been inclined to pick the devil she knew in Burton over the low-key stranger in Tijuana at tribal council, but we fear it might wind up being a fatal mistake.

For her part, Darrah is shown on camera demonstrating why she is such a frustrating Survivor to anticipate. She is waiting for the various alliances to come to her, thereby allowing other people to create strategies from which she can select the winning side. At this point, we aren’t sure if Darrah is playing dumb or simply is dumb. She has had very little face time, made no gambits for control, and always seemed to be riding on the coattails of Tijuana, no master strategist herself. If this is an act, it’s a damned good one.

The other faction in play is represented by the world’s smallest man (we loved him in Elf!), and Jon is again far too self-congratulatory over the fact that the last two tribal councils have worked out to his maximum advantage. He makes the “wicker chair” analogy again, leaving us to wonder how in 30 days he has not been able to create a second clever saying. It’s not like there’s anything else to do on the island. But hey, you don’t have to write your own scripts in the WWE, right?

You can tell that this is going to be a boring episode overall because the editing team throws in a Jaws tribute ten minutes into the show. With Rupert gone, Burton finally has the fishing spear all to himself, so he takes it out for a spin. As the shark attack music plays, he bags the catch of the day. We were still holding out hope for a zombie fish attack, but no such luck.

Sensing a slow news day, Burnett goes to the reward challenge very early. The event is a three-leg water obstacle course with the remaining six players divided up into two randomly drawn teams. The winning team gets to spend the night at a luxury spa. There are no real winners in this game, though, as all players are forced to witness Lill stripped down to her underwear. Seriously, Burnett, if we’re ever at the same function, you are getting punched in the jimmy for this one. You have truly gone TOO FAR.

Now that we’ve finished vomiting, here is the breakdown of teams. The first is comprised of weak swimmer Sandra taking the longest leg, Christa in the middle leg, and Burton taking up the rear with the shortest portion of the race. The other team has strong athlete Darrah followed by incompetent boobs Lill and Jon. We so hope it’s close at the end so that we can see Burton hand Jon his jockstrap. If nothing else, we’re sure Burton is glad that Lill is on the other team so that he can avoid the open-mouth kiss.

From the instant Sandra and Darrah pull their draws, it’s obvious that unless Sandra can pull out a miracle, this race is going to be a blowout. Sure enough, as Burton goes to a slow burn over his impotence, Darrah laps Sandra and Jon and Lill bumble their way to the finish line in her wake. The only positive here is the titillation factor as Darrah and Christa go wet and wild. We’re sure it’ll be on the Survivor Extras DVD, pervs.

We know going in that the next scene is going to be rough since Lill is one of the three winners. After a gratuitous panty shot of Lill, we fast forward the TiVo until we get back to the other camp. Burton finds himself in the awkward position of being stuck with the two tenacious women who have just recently given him the call from the governor. Oddly, Burton seems to feel no gratitude for this act, leaving us to wonder if he really didn’t recognize how perilous his position was the night before.

Back at the luxury resort, we thank God that Lill is wearing a robe. When they cut to the dinner table, we can’t help but laugh at Darrah’s plight. Here she is in paradise, but she’s stuck with two of the vilest companions possible. Given the option, we’re pretty sure she’d elect to swallow the cyanide pill. This is especially apparent as Jon goes on and on about what a great fine food connoisseur he is. He proves this right away by selecting chicken fingers as their appetizer. Lill remarks, “You’re a whole lot more smarter than me.” Granny Clampett was more cultured. Speaking of which, we wonder how Jonny’s grandma is doing.

Hey, you remember about six weeks ago when Lill was voted off? Wasn’t that nice? Jon’s starting to think so, as she jumps on the bed and acts like a petulant child when he attempts to talk some strategy. Why? Because he apparently talked down to her, which from a physical standpoint is hard for Jon to do with anyone. If only they had a “You must be this tall to play Survivor” rule.

Back at Sandra Can’t Swim Island, more nefarious dealings are underfoot – the kind that would make George Steinbrenner proud. Burton feels out Christa in a loyalty test, and what we had suspected all along is true. The two women are in it to win rather than making friends, as opposed to some of their counterparts this season. It’s been obvious since the first discussion they had about eliminating Rupert several episodes ago that this duo is in it to win, not place or show. Negotiations from this point on should be interesting.

The following morning, Jon is discussing some majestic liquid treat known as orange juice. We’re not sure if it’s available yet in the states. During the meal, he and Darrah come to an agreement where they will take each other to the final two, meaning that Jon challenges Survivor Thailand’s Clay for the most under-the-table agreements for the final two in the history of the show. If he can just work something out with Christa and Sandra, he’s the champ.

Demonstrating just how much elicit negotiating Jon has been doing, when he returns to camp, Burton requests a conversation about just who the hell they have an alliance with. Burton has figured out that there are only six people left and they can’t technically be in business with all of them. At this point, Jon mentions that he has decided to next eliminate the very woman Burton just dealt into the final four.

Over the campfire, Burton and Lill have a discussion about who the final two will be. When Lill presses him on honoring their agreement, we come to realize the obvious. Survivor has been reduced to a high-stakes game of Liar’s Poker, and alliances are only written in the sand this time around. There will be no more forecasting “it’s anyone but…” this season.

Today’s immunity challenge is a musket shooting contest. The first contestant to hit three targets will take home the coveted immunity cutlass. We finally find something that Burton isn’t good at as he struggles each round. The real shocker, though, is Christa, who goes from having no idea how to hold a gun to barely missing victory in a matter of rounds. After Probst helpfully instructs her on where to put her hands, she hits her first two targets and then the wood holding the flag of the third one. Before she can take another turn, Darrah, or as we have started calling her, Lady Burton, hits her third flag to retain the immunity idol for a second time. She has dominated for three straight challenges and is becoming a factor for endgame.

Before Tribal Council, a surprisingly up front series of discussions occur. The women go to Darrah and ask if she would target Burton as part of an all-girl alliance, but are rebuffed. From there, they come to an agreement upon Lill (please please please please). On another side of the island, Jon continues to abuse Lill’s goodwill and naïveté by putting the breadcrumbs on the path that will lead her to vote for Christa.

We finally realize this week what Lill reminds us of -- the Thermians from the movie Galaxy Quest. Apparently, she has never encountered anyone who says one thing, then does another. Unfortunately for her, there is no Commander Taggert coming to save the day. By Grabthar’s Hammer, we can’t wait for her ass to get kicked.

Sandra and Christa have one last discussion about whom to vote for, and it comes down to Christa’s trust vs. Sandra’s skepticism. Jon has sworn on his grandmother (not her grave, mind you, just his grandmother) that he is taking them to the Final Four so they should stop strategizing and vote with the block. This is not going to be pretty.

Tribal Council brings good news – a Rupert sighting! And…Tijuana is still smiling – she’s like Faye on Wings. Then it brings shocking news. There is an apparent perception that everybody loves Lill. We’ve heard the same thing about Raymond, and consider both statements to be factually inaccurate.

With regards to the vote, let us say that Jon even mentioning one of Ric Flair’s best catchphrases is sick and wrong. We don’t mind him doing it for Macho Man and others of that ilk, but there have to be limits. Whooo!

The vote itself sees Christa eliminated by the block of Jon, Burton, Darrah and Lill, who spells yet another name wrong. The only positive we can take out of it is that the preview for next week shows Jon making the same “grandmother” promise to Sandra that he just reneged on with Christa. The hope would be that Lill stands up and shows some spine. Oh, who are we kidding?

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