By David Mumpower

December 12, 2002

BOP knows it isn't easy staying on top in the dog eat dog (or is it doggie dog?) world of Hollywood. We recognize how hard it can be to suffer through a string of films such as Shanghai Surprise, Four Rooms, The Next Best Thing and Swept Away. We are saddened to see spoiled millionaires in pain and we want to do what we can to help make the world a happier place for them. To do this, we've started a new section devoted to people whose agents clearly hate them (see: Tara Reid). Read ahead to find out this week's victim...err, star in need.

Life was going so well for Jennifer Love Hewitt. A successful child actress, she launched her career as a pre-pubescent diva-in-training on the Disney Channel's Kids Incorporated. This led to her getting a regular gig on a critically acclaimed TV show in Party of Five. At this point, she famously discussed her breasts in Playboy by stating that "I just accepted them as a great accessory to every outfit." Still, the sweetness of this particular character was not without its price as she bitterly declared, "I would just love once to be called sexy. Just because it would make me something other than cute." Life is so hard for some people.

The point was that she was a key player on a successful TV show and still yet destined for greater things. The apex was when she dutifully followed cast-mate Neve Campbell by turning a magical casting couch experience into a starring role in a hit horror film. In Lovey's case, the movie was I Know What You Did Last Summer, a flick which made a proverbial killing at the box office. Thanks to serendipitous timing, the production hit theaters right as demand from Scream had teenagers itching for real horror films, preferably with new and exciting villains. While the part only asked her to wear lots of tank tops, get wet, flex her chest, and do a mean banshee impersonation for extended periods of time, her surgically altered lungs proved up to the challenge and then some.

A star was born.

From there, she shrewdly accepted a starring role in the teen comedy Can't Hardly Wait. While this production was not a blockbuster hit by any stretch, virtually all of its financial success was credited to her presence. It also amplified her popularity in the all-important teen demographic and established that her films could make savvy studios big money. Next, a clever career decision was made that a sequel to her one hit movie would be the easiest way to get her name placed squarely on the lips of every Hollywood studio boss. The results were as would be expected of a sequel to a horror film. The ridiculously inanely titled I Still Know What You Did Last Summer opened strong and wound up making back almost double its budget for the studio. She had proven herself to be the rarest of breeds in Hollywood, a bona fide movie opener. And she even had a hit single from the soundtrack to boot.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was 19 years old, achingly beautiful, and rich and powerful beyond her wildest dreams. But then it all came crashing down (sorry, there was a Behind the Music marathon on last night).

1999 was the year where everything turned south for Lovey. Time of Your Life, the long-rumored spin-off of Party of Five, came to fruition as Sarah Reeves moved to New York City in order to search for her birth father. Fox had high hopes for their rising star and launched a massive marketing campaign for the show. Sadly, even the core Party of Five audience failed to follow her to the Big Apple. Only ten episodes of the series aired before it was pulled from the schedule. Even in hindsight, the only noteworthy comment about the production is that it co-starred Jennifer Garner, whose recent career spiral has been in complete opposition to Love's.

Before the spin-off series failed, our heroine had already signed on to do a movie called The Suburbans which was to play out as something of an emotional sequel to That Thing You Do! A one hit wonder band would re-unite and re-discover their affection for one another, causing audiences across America to learn to laugh and love again (in theory anyway). Never a favorite of the studio, The Suburbans was delayed several times before finally reaching theaters on Halloween in 1999. Only 11 venues across the country screened this bomb and those that did made less than $200 a day opening weekend. Some analysts have gone so far as to speculate the theater chain bankrupty proceedings in 2000 which destroyed three corporations actually started with The Suburbans.

A lesser talent would have already been forced to wear a "will act/star in porn for food" sign but our Love Hewitt is made of sterner stuff. She leveraged her remaining stroke to attain her dream role in the television adaptation of The Audrey Hepburn Story. Love was convinced that this performance would make every Hollywood power broker stand up and take notice that she was more than just a pretty face and a plastic surgeon's lifetime achievement award. The tele-film did receive decent ratings but critical reviews violated her in ways previously known only in prison showers. She was quickly running out of options.

Desperate, frustrated and more than a little humiliated, JLH turned to the mother of all weapons for a 20 year old starlet. She broke out her sexuality in a big, bad way as she tarted up huuuuge for her role as Sigourney Weaver's smutty daughter in Heartbreakers. Sporting a series of outfits which would make your average lingerie model blush, Lovey sexed up a very surprised (and I might add grateful) Jason Lee, but North American audiences were again not impressed. The film ended up with blasé box office and Hewitt was tagged with the lingering impression that she was desperate and already completely washed up.

It was at this point that Hewitt made a miscalculation and attempted to be even saucier. She took on the real life role of home wrecker during the shooting of The Devil and Daniel Webster by allegedly bedding Alec Baldwin, a married man more than 20 years her senior. Generally, gossip about cheating Hollywood starlets is gold (see: Angelina Jolie) but the movie they made is so bad that the studio has decided to swallow the budget and never release it. Hewitt had again rolled the dice and wound up with snake eyes...and a need for penicillin.

Her last effort was an attempt to follow the current trend that people love chicks who whip ass so she joined up with Jackie Chan in The Tuxedo. While the film found some financial success, it failed to recoup its budget. Even the bulletproof Hong Kong legend proved to be no match for the bad luck of a fading starlet. To make matters worse, most reviewers appeared to achieve orgasm through their persistent assaults on her acting in the flick. She was universally hailed as the only thing stopping Madonna from being the worst actress alive.

So where does that leave Jennifer Love Hewitt as we approach 2003?

It's not overstating the point to say that she needs to make several solid career choices in the coming months. She's tried acting, she's tried using sex as a weapon, and she's tried to be a pop star. All of these attempts have failed miserably. What's left? First of all, we cannot stress this enough. Jennifer Love Hewitt, PLEASE STOP SINGING! An album title of Barenaked is so transparent that even porno theater and strip club owners feel their intelligence has been insulted by this garbage. You will never ever never stand out by trying to be just like every other would-be singer slash actress who ever waited tables in West Hollywood. Stop saucing yourself up like a random Playboy Mansion skank. You're better than that.

From there, we suggest a two-pronged attack. A gritty independent film would go a long way in re-establishing the fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt is more than just a pretty face. If you don't believe us, watch Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Zhang Ziyi became a world-wide sex symbol in that movie...and she was covered in dirt for half of it. If you look perfect and have every hair in place at all times, people can never fully appreciate the beauty you possess. Go the indie route and follow the career upturn of Hilary Swank, another re-invented girly girl.

After that, take some roles that will make your mother uncomfortable for a change. If you want a cautionary tale about the path you're following, the magic words are Brooke Shields. That's not a friendly comparison but it's one we're hearing a lot for you these days. We suggest that you think Wild Things. Think Bound. Think Femme Fatale. Do you really believe anyone thinks "great actress" when they hear the name Jennifer Tilly? Of course not, but look at all of the great parts that were laid at her feet coming off of a Gina Gershon seduction scene. If you really want to use your sexuality to advance your career, be direct about it. Oh, and the next time you break up a famous marriage, make certain to pick a guy who isn't fat and old. It's just too Something About Amelia otherwise.

I watched Party of Five, and God help me, I even have How Do I Deal on mp3 so as a diehard fan, I feel like I've stuck with you long enough. But The Tuxedo was the last straw. It's about time you start holding up your end of the bargain.

Summary

Best Performance: Guest Host on Talk Soup

Best Known Role: Sarah on Party of Five/Julie James from I Know What You Did Last Summer franchise

Point at Which Even the Most Ardent Fan Realized Something Had Gone Very, Very Wrong: The Tuxedo

Role She Was Born to Play: Helen of Troy

If Her Career Doesn't Improve, She'll Wind Up As: A waitress at Hooter's

Upcoming Role That Should Have Been Hers: 13 Going On 30. While Love is a bit young for the lead role, it's certainly not unusual Hollywood thinking to cast a much younger woman for an older part. In addition, Love Hewitt is every bit as attractive, effervescent and charming as the woman who did get the part, Jennifer Garner. When the two worked together on the short-lived Party of Five spin-off Time of Your Life, no sane person would have argued that Garner was the more gifted thespian. Or more beautiful woman. Co-workers have always stressed the unique maturity and wisdom of JLH so she would have had no problem playing a believable pubescent-girl-in-a-grown-woman's-body part. And she would have charmed audiences into remembering just how striking her smile is.

View other columns by David Mumpower