New at BOP: Review: Matrix Resurrections Movie Review: Moonfall Movie Reviews: Scream The #1 Movie in America November Forecast The Many Saints of Newark October Forecast New Trivia Question All site updates Share & Save   Tweet Print this column

Anyone who says that screenwriting isn't a good way to get women is, well, correct, but it certainly seems a good way to see plenty of flesh on display and get paid for the privilege.

Incidentally, the Kristen Bell-Jason Bateman pairing doesn't bother me as much as those because a) Jason Bateman didn't write the film, and b) in real life, Bell is engaged to the, uh, interesting looking Dax Shepard, so a more traditionally handsome guy like Bateman isn't that odd a partner.


A film starring Michael Bluth and Veronica Mars sounds hilarious on paper.

If you had told me four years ago that Kristen Bell and Jason Bateman, the stars of two of my favorite TV shows of all time (Veronica Mars and Arrested Development) would star in a film together, I'd have been excited. How excited? Well, for fear of sounding crude, I would probably have required a change of underwear after hearing the news. And if you told me that this magical film would also feature the stars of Swingers and Duane Benzie from Spaced, well I may just have burned you as a witch (or warlock; I'm an equal opportunities immolator) for concocting such a beautiful and perfect creation in my mind.

In theory, this is the greatest comedy film ever made. In theory. In actuality, it's the exact opposite of the phrase "pearls before swine," in that the material is far, far beneath the people expected to delivery it. In fact, I need to invent a phrase that adequately describes just how unworthy of its cast Couples Retreat is: It is swill before eagles. Outside of the main cast, the rest of the film features Peter Serafinowicz, Ken Jeong and John Michael Higgins, all of whom are very, very funny but fall completely flat here. The cast members occasionally deliver their lines in a way which is amusing (such as the hushed, earnest manner in which Bateman describes having sex with Bell's character as being "like an oil derrick.") but you can only polish a turd so much before your hands are covered in crap.

IMing! Facebook! Rock Band! LOLZ?

Do you remember sexting? Remember when that was a thing? No? Well, Couples Retreat remembers, and isn't afraid to mention it in passing in the hopes of getting a laugh of recognition from the audience. Also; aren't jokes about Twitter just hilarious? And by "jokes," I mean just dropping the word "Twitter" into conversation without any relevance or attempt to comment on it? Oh, of course it is. Hearing the names of things I know about is always funny. Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau, who have their fingers so firmly on the pulse of popular culture, realize that just mentioning things that are current is guaranteed to yield an untold bounty of laughter, so they drop in references to everything that was hip and happening whilst the film was in production, and which was all sort of current when the film was released.

Overloading the screenplay with intrusive references to modern trends is the cinematic equivalent of an elderly uncle dancing to hip-hop at a wedding. They're trying to fit in, but they're just a bit weird and off-putting. This feeling is reinforced by a climactic showdown in which Vaughn and Serafinowicz play Rock Band against each other to stay on the island. It's like a really lazy episode of Survivor, and perfectly encapsulates what is wrong with the film. Just as watching other people play videogames isn't as fun as actually playing videogames, watching people (vicious, spiteful, awful people) go on vacation isn't as fun as actually going on vacation.

Continued:       1       2